I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I did not marry a roomba.
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