I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
