I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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