After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
