Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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