this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
