you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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