This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
