There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You dont lie about slip and slides
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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