Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
last night I used snow as a chaser
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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