I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
