Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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