where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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