How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
