If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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