mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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