she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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