If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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