i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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