Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
