just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
