this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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