very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
