i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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