I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
