The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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