I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
