I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
