Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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