god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
