She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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