Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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