The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Randomize
