i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
