did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
