the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
