it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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