If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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