im six kinds of drunk right now
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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