My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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