just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
