so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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