can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
