girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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