I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
