I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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