so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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