Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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