every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
