Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
