fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
