when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Your penis caused this!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
