i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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